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Author Topic: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
Date Posted: 12/31/04 6:47pm Subject: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel) - Date Edited: 12/31/04 6:55pm (1 edits total) Edited By: DarkLordRising
PROLOGUE



Rent Out This Space

Space for rent, what a novel idea, an idea that will pocket someone millions upon millions of dollars, just make sure that I get some of the royalties from it… happy Inside of this space for rent are many stars, even more planets, lots of moons, and even someone fighting the fight of good vs. evil. This fight, the fight above all fights has already taken place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. It’s too bad that we weren’t there in person to see it, but I’ll do my best to convey the hatred, betrayal, love, and lots of other mushy emotions in this story.

A story that will be maybe a little similar to something that you’ve read before, a story that seems like it’s been done before, a story that seems all too familiar to millions upon millions of Star Wars fans. If it weren’t for these stories that have compelled us to dissect each tidbit of Star Wars information, spoilers, and trailers then what indeed would we have to live for if not just the reason to live, eat, and breath the Star Wars universe.

A universe that surrounds us, binds us, and compels us to wait in long lines for that opening crawl that we’ve grown accustomed to. That opening crawl that is but a few words at the beginning of a movie, but is capable of causing numerous exchanges about their meaning and their purpose. And then of course the movie itself, this last movie of the prequels that’s guaranteed to call all kinds of commotion from things revealed, things that are not totally explained, and things that we feel were completely left out of the movie. Hopefully, it will answer our prayers and be the movie that will be not ridiculed as much as the previous two were. We’ll have to see now as the story begins…or ends… or just continues…





STAR WARS
EPISODE III: ROTS

OPENING CRAWL

IT IS A PERIOD OF RUN ON SENTENCES AND ONGOING PARAGRAPHS THAT ENVELOPE ALL OF THE STARS IN THE GALAXY.

THOSE IN THE SEPARATIST FLEET LED BY THE EVIL COUNT DOOKU AND GENERAL GRIEVOUS WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO BRING ABOUT THEIR EVIL PLANS TO CAUSE TROUBLE AND MAYHEM.

HAVING KIDNAPPED SUPREME CHANCELLOR PALPITINE, THEY ARE OUT TO PROVE AGAIN THAT THEY ARE THE ONES WHO HAVE CONTROL OVER THE REPUBLIC AND THOSE OPPOSED TO THEIR PLANS. THEY WILL STOP AT NOTHING TO DISRUPT AND DISPATCH THE PUNY REPUBLIC ALLIANCE LED BY ANAKIN SKYWALKER AND OBI-WAN KENOBI BOTH NOW TRYING TO END THE CLONE WARS.

THEY ARE GETTING READY TO RESCUE THE CHANCELLOR AND CAPTURE DOOKU AND GRIEVOUS THEREBY BRINGING PEACE AND ORDER TO THE GALAXY. IT’S JUST TOO BAD THAT IT WILL TAKE ANAKIN AND OBI-WAN TO PLACES AND THINGS THAT ONLY OCCUR IN THEIR WORST NIGHTMARES.

SO JUST SIT BACK AND RELAX AS WE SEE THIS MOVIE UNFOLD. A MOVIE TO END ALL PREQUELS, A MOVIE TO EXCITE US, TO SCARE US, TO REVEAL IN US THOSE BURIED EMOTIONS THAT CAUSE AUDIENCES TO APPLAUD AND CHEER THE GOOD AND SHRIEK AND CRINGE FROM THE BAD.

ANY SIMILARITY TO ANYTHING WRITTEN IN THIS STORY IS PURELY COINCEDENTAL AND MERELY A WASTED ATTEMPT ON MY PART TO PORTRAY THE RIFE AND RAMPANT JOURNEYS OF THE STAR WARS UNIVERSE. AND SO THE STORY BEGINS… OR ENDS… OR JUST CONTINUES…


CHAPTER 1

RUDIMENTARY OVERBLOWN TASTLESS STORY

To be, or not to be, that’s not the question I will answer in this story, rather one of right vs. wrong, good vs. bad, dumb and stupid vs. smart and clever, and a bunch of other Rudimentary Overblown Tasteless Stories that you’ve probably become all too familiar with.

That familiarity will become you undoing! That rudimentary lifestyle of yours is now useless, for you live for a bigger purpose, the purpose to exist in the Star Wars universe if for nothing else. So be it, you are now mine!!!

A big ship comes out of hyperspace in a screeching noise that if not for the vacuum of space would shatter your eardrums. It fills the entire screen and then some of your standard 16:9 wide screen format television at home. Maybe they should make the screen a little bit wider so that we can see this enormous monstrosity of a ship for all its worth. But you’ll just have to take my word for it that this ship is huge, big, gigantic, enormous, it’s just a pretty impressive sight believe me!

This ship belongs to none other than the Separatists who are fighting with a bunch of clones for reasons beyond my comprehension. It resembles a big turtle, with huge fangs, or maybe that’s a big tiger with huge fangs, yes, that’s it a big tiger with huge fangs and a rather large tail at the end for swatting the intergalactic flies with. It had twin holes scorching through its eyes all the way through the back of its head. One could say that these eyes seemed to stare right through you and then some. Along its body were lots of stripes where a bunch of lasers in a row were situated. But the most feared area of this monster was its giant backside gun depository area, an area with multitude upon multitude of guns deposited for blasting anything that would come within distance of it. This ship was of the Rather Oblong Threatening Ship class and it was as lethal a ship as there was ever made.

One hundred ninety-five smaller cruisers of rather modest design trailed this beast like jelly to jellyfish. They were smaller than their rather unwieldy cousin, but deadly nonetheless with weapons that would make you think more than twice about attacking it. These ships were definitely top rate or sold the dealer said that sold them. They were ships of the Rather Obtuse Terrifying Ship class. They purposely trailed the bigger ship, but only because it came to a screeching halt, so they applied there brakes as well, unfortunately a few were too late and came within the beast’s backside gun depository area and were blasted into nonexistence. They had failed to read the “If you can read this, you are toast” sign.

But suddenly, out of nowhere came a bunch of other vessels like little ants at a picnic, scurrying around and starting to attack enemy ships in front of them.
This cluster of Republic ships unleashed there miniscule attacks on the larger fleet of enemy ships to no avail, but for a few who were lucky enough to stay away from the behemoths rear area. These ships were of the Republic Order Transverse Ship class. They featured rather oblique designs that was tilted and slanted at an angle. It reminded oneself of something that was purposely built to be sloping yet agile. These assault cruisers fared much better than the little fighters, at least at first anyway. These Jedi Cruisers, as they were called, were more heavily shielded and had lots more firepower to take on the evil forces. They were some mightily impressive ships and were definitely starting to do some damage to the Separatist fleet.

Both sides fought for what seemed like an eternity, but actually it was only five minutes of screen time, a rather paltry amount for a story of this length. Most evaporated into nothingness, some got scorched by the big rear guns on the gigantic Separatist monstrosity. Lights, explosions and a bunch of other garbled noises filled the void of space like none before, but like before if not for the special effects department would be unheard of due to the vacuum of space.

After it was all over, some big, bad General by the name of Grievous was rather upset that Count Dooku was complaining to him about all of the losses that they had just encountered in this attack on their forces.

“Boo hoo, our forces have been practically been wiped out Grievous, what ‘cha goin’ to do ‘bout that,” Count Dooku said sobbing all over the place.

“Nothing”, said Grievous in a rather short nondescript metallic voice. “They are walking into a trap, a trap so elaborate and complicated that it would take up merely way too much screen time to go into, so you’ll just have to trust me on this one.”

‘Nothing’, the Count thought to himself. ‘Who does this robot think he is, C-3PO or something, at least he would say, “I have a rather bad feeling about this”, or some other mindless, useless tidbit of information, but all this piece of bolts can say is ‘Nothing’. Well, he better say something soon or I’ll slice him up and make him into a toaster or a coffee pot, or some other useful appliance”.

“Boo hoo, if you don’t do something soon, we’ll have no fleet left to attack with,” cried Dooku even more than before.

General Grievous didn’t answer the Count, he merely looked at the video screen and stared into it with his beady narrow eyes, a stare that would make you cry too if you were there to see it.

Dooku had come to know that stare like a baby to a rattle, shaking inside but not stirred. But why should he stir, to show more emotion than the sobbing and crying Grievous was accustomed to would be un-Darth like if not un-Count like as well. So he just cried and cried for awhile until finally a Stormtrooper handed him a bottle and he sucked on it until he was satisfied and back to his Sithful self.

“Boo hoo,” the Count said, stifling back his tears more with the Force than before, “If you continue to ignore my advice, I’m afraid that I won’t be around to heckle you much longer.”

“Silence”, the General announced, “If I hear one more word out of you I’ll send you to your room! And then I’ll have a Stormtrooper force feed you your bottle!!”

“Boo hoo,” the Count continued, “I’d like to see you try!”

With that the General wheeled around and produced four large bottles out of his robotic arms and gave them to the closest Stormtrooper. “Take the Count away and force feed him these until he gags you to stop!”

“Yes General”, the Stormtrooper said as he escorted Count Dooku away.

“Send all remaining ships to attack the rest of the resistance,” General Grievous announced to the remaining officers and troops around and into the intercom, “Let no one escape or chicken out of this fight”.

“Yes General”, the other officers and troops said as they scurried out of his sight to their attack ships.

“General – all ships have been dispatched and are attacking the enemy forces,” a Nemoidian voice said through the communications unit.

“Good,” Grievous said, “Order all fighters to attack the closest enemy ship to them and if there isn’t one than attack your own and target until everyone’s finished.”

There was a slight pause as the Stormtroopers and Battle Droids carried out his last order, “You have nothing to fear General, we will destroy everything in sight.” And with that they did as he had commanded.

They blasted both friend in foe in an amazing display of lights and booms that would blow your average fireworks display out of the water. Soon there were just a few remaining ships left. Grievous watched with glee as column upon column of both friendly and enemy vessels were destroyed. A big evil smile came upon his evilness and practically floored everyone remaining on the bridge. It was a smile of mischief all right. There was no doubt about that.

“General, we are approaching Coruscant and our brakes are not working any longer due to the excessive screeching of dropping from hyperspace too many times,

I’m afraid we’ll have to evacuate,” a Nemoidian exclaimed. “They’ll be no escape for the Chancellor this time, he’s doomed.”

“Good,” Grievous announced, “at least this time he’ll die this time and then there won’t be another mention of his name”. The General had his reasons for not wanting to mention the name of the Supreme Chancellor Palpatine. It caused his troops hearts to race unexpectedly for some odd reason he could not place.

“Estimated time of arrival to the planet Coruscant; ten seconds,” the Nemoidian technician’s voice said through the communications unit. But unfortunately, he was wrong as the ship just then entered the atmosphere of Coruscant. Time was definitely over for the ship and it’s crew, but the General was already out the door and on his way to his escape ship as the rest of the bridge crew celebrated with the tearing off of there uniforms and such to the floor.

 

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Date Posted: 1/3/05 6:27am Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel) - Date Edited: 1/3/05 6:12pm (2 edits total) Edited By: Eme-ma_Himou
brilliant...

and one suggestion: be sure to kill Jar Jar in this one



and I am the first to post... YAY!

 
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Date Posted: 1/10/05 3:48pm Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
CHAPTER 2

REPULSIVE OCCASIONS THAT SUCK

“Okay, everyone, this is it, it’s time to get to the ship with the Chancellor, save him and everyone else and do it all in less than a minute”, Anakin Skywalker said to his compatriots.

“That’s impossible,” Red Two Two said, “How can we do all of that in less than a minute’s time.”

“Trust in the Force”, explained Anakin, “Feel it flow through you like the blood in you body, it enriches you, feeds you, and still leaves an empty feeling in your stomach. Now everyone just follow me and don’t ask any more questions.”

With that Anakin guided his Jedi Starfighter through the wreckage of multiple vessels. These fighters were wedged body shape, but still had a look of being pieced together out of ordinary junkyard materials. They were known as the Republic Order Tormenting Ship class. Using the Force within him, he blasted thru literally dozenz upon dozens of Separatist vessels. All of the other Jedi ships followed his lead and vaporized the remaining Separatist ships. Soon there was but one big ship left and it was headed towards the surface of Coruscant. If not for the antics of Anakin, the Chancellor would be lost, the Chancellor would be lost. He had become a hero during the Clone Wars proving himself over and over numerous times, saving Obi-Wan’s life dozens of times, and using his skills of the Force to his advantage. Millions of lives had been affected during these times, but without his power of the Force they wouldn’t have been affected at all. Anakin’s use of the Force had left a somewhat plastic taste to their mouths that they couldn’t get rid of. For some odd reason he looked like a dummy to the ones he affected the most. To his beloved wife Padmé he was as rigid as a board, but that’s something we won’t get more involved with until later.

The Republic needed to get the chancellor back and back fast and Anakin knew it. Without Palpitine, it seemed as if the Republic was without its heart and that was a feeling that even Anakin had felt. He worked his way to the Separatist ship spiraling closer and closer to the planet’s surface. He used the force even more strongly now and he slowed down his ship as he neared the doomed vessel. . He looked at his mechanical right hand and thought about how Dooku had bit it off. ‘You’ll regret biting my hand off soon enough, Dooku’, he thought to himself. ‘I’ll definitely give you something to cry about’.

Anakin guided his ship to a stop inside the hangar bay of the Separatist ship. He looked back and saw just a few other Jedi ships land close by his as he got out of his ship and had his R2-D2 unit get out and follow him.

“Artoo---how many times do I have to tell you to stop following me like that?” he asked. “You’re like a little appendage I can’t get rid of, stay with the ship and I’ll call you if I need anything.” The R2 unit burped and moaned but Anakin paid it no mind and started gathering up the items he would need to rescue the chancellor.

Anakin waited for the other Jedi to gather their supplies up and then he told them of his plan. “Alright, we have only minutes before the ship crashes into the planet’s surface, but thanks to me being the Chosen One and being in control of the force like a madman, we’ll have all the time we need to rescue the chancellor and capture Dooku and Grievous. Obi-Wan will come with me and rescue the chancellor, the rest of you look will be led by Jar Jar Binks and look for Dooku and Grievous and be careful, they are rather mischief about things of late.”

“Meesa so than’ful yousa givin’ me ‘sis appor’tunty Ani,” Jar Jar said as he slobbered his tongue all over the place. “Meesa won’t let ya dun’ oseekaybe”, he drooled.

And with that the Jedi split up and went there separate ways looking throughout the ship for their targets. The ship was rather dimly lit as they walked around looking around corridors, inside of closed doors, and through open windows. It was a rather empty ship as if everyone had left in a hurry for some unknown reason.
















CHAPTER 3

RIP OUT THOSE SABERS

Anakin and Obi-Wan slithered their way through the maze of corridors on the ship. They ripped out their lightsabers and ignited them for light through the dim-lit passageways. They heard some sobbing and inched closer to the source. As the two peered around the next corner that source was standing in front of a giant video screen watching the progress of the fighting going on. Off to the side was the chancellor tied and gagged up in a rather steely looking chair.

“All right Dooku, we’ve got you now!” exclaimed Anakin. “Let go of the Chancellor and maybe we’ll consider a deal.”

The Count turned around and ignited his lightsaber. “Boo hoo Anakin, there will be no deal, just your death as I rip your heart out of your Jedi body.”

“Help me Anakin and Obi-Wan,” the Chancellor said, “you’re my only hope.”

“Don’t worry, Chancellor,” said Anakin, “We’ll have you home by Sithtime.”

With that both Anakin and Obi-Wan started their attack on Count Dooku, but he was incredibly fast for an old former Jedi master, and their attacks were met with swift resistance. They circled the Count, but he parried their attacks and force pushed Obi-Wan into a far wall knocking him unconscious. It was now between the Count and Anakin and Anakin knew that the Count would fight dirty.

“Boo hoo, you’ve lost your edge boy, now you will die and then I’ll cry like a baby who’s hungry at your defeat,” the Count said with his eyes glazing over Anakin more fiercely now.

“Don’t make me kill you Dooku, that would be a terrible sight, especially for the kids back home,” Anakin said as he continued his thrusts and exchanges with the Count. Anakin was pressing the Count further and further and he could feel that the Count would not be able to withstand from his attacks much longer.

“Help me Anakin,” the Chancellor said, “you’re my only hope.”

“Face it, Dooku, you are finished, resign now and release the Chancellor or I’ll kill you,” said the Jedi warrior as he started using the force even more now to attack the Count.

“Help me Anakin,” the Chancellor said, “you’re my only hope.”

But then just as Anakin finally dislodged the Count’s lightsaber from him, a robotic figure entered the room. It was General Grievous and he looked rather upset at the sight of this fight going on. “Count Dooku, it looks like you could use a little assistance,” said the General.

“Boo hoo, he knocked my lightsaber out of my hands with a lucky shot, I don’t need your help,” the Count said as he gathered his lightsaber back up.

“It doesn’t matter,” the General announced, “I’m going to help you destroy Anakin whether you like it or not.” And with that the General produced eight lightsabers out of his arms and started to attack Anakin rather aggressively along with the Count.

Anakin now called upon the force more than he had ever before as he dodged their strikes and started to Rip Out Things Substantially from the walls and tossed them at his opponents to disrupt their strikes.

“You should not have wasted your time with this foolish rescue attempt,” Grievous said, his strong, mechanical voice reverberating off of the walls. “See what has become of your friends as you too will soon meet the same fate.” With that he stopped his attacks and produced eighteen dead Jedi warriors, some of whom looked as stiff as logs to Anakin’s eyes. He also had Jar Jar Binks brought towards the front of them.

“I’m going to give you to the count of three to surrender now or I’ll kill Jar Jar,” the General announced.

The Jedi who had split up from Anakin and Obi-Wan were now dead and if he didn’t react with the right answer now then Jar Jar would die as well. Anakin could feel the hatred building up more fiercely inside of him now. He would make Grievous and Dooku pay for this if it was the last thing that he would do.

“Meesa so sorry Ani,” Jar Jar said, “Isa amsa readys to diesa fo’ the Republicsa”, he drooled incessantly.

Anakin let out a big howl and raised his lightsaber and his other hand and literally torn down the surrounding supporting structures and hurled them at his opponents with a ferocity that they couldn’t totally defend themselves from.

Grievous was caught off guard by one rather large piece of insulation foam, while the Count was battered with batteries from the disposed battle droids. The foam wrapped itself around the General and he fell to the ground. The batteries relentlessly crashed into the Count as he lost his balance and fell over some steps leading down to the hangar bay.

Just then Obi-Wan woke up and started to assist Anakin in the fight.

“Don’t worry Anakin,” said Obi-Wan, “I’ll take care of the General, and you can finish off Dooku.”

And with that they each went after the two fallen Separatists and engaged them in ferocious lightsaber exchanges. Obi-Wan attacked Grievous who was now just gathering himself up and shredding the insulation foam from his metallic skin. But the General used the foam to his advantage now as he entrapped Obi-Wan in it.

“Ha, ha, ha,” the General laughed, “now who is the fool and who is the bamboozler.” He completely wrapped Obi-Wan up in the foam and threw him down a shaft leading into the garbage compactor. “I hope that the smell suits you,” the General sneered as he turned to find where Anakin and Dooku had gone.

Count Dooku gathered himself up and went back to where the Chancellor was still tied up. He was going to kill the chancellor now and there would be no one to stop him this time. But Jar Jar was their untying the chancellor from his captivity and practically had the chancellor untied from the metallic chair.

“Boo hoo,” said the Count, “be prepared to meet your doom you slobbering idiot. I’m going to make you wish you had never been in a Star Wars movie!”

“Meesa so horrny fo’ ya Count,” said Jar Jar, “meesa luv ya long time.”

“Boo hoo,” said the Count, “That does it!” And with a swiftness that would defy imagination the Count sliced and diced Jar Jar into tossed salad and then ate him up. He then turned to the chancellor and prepared to strike him down as well.


MORE TO COME SOON... STAY TUNED...

 

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Date Posted: 1/10/05 4:19pm Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
I laughed the entire time!
Well done, DarkLordRising!
You will have people cheering in the streets, for JarJar is no more.....

...looking forward to Anakin's meeting with Padme...

 
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Date Posted: 1/10/05 5:42pm Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
CHAPTER 3.14159265358979323…

REVELATIONS OFF THE SUBJECT

Pi is one of those numbers that only mathematicians love… which brings us to our current situation in this story… the chances of Jar Jar actually getting killed in Episode III is like the amount of numbers after the decimal point in pi, but I’m going to kill him as many times as possible ala South Park’s Kenny…

Not only do I think this will cause numerous fans to rejoice, but also I think it would be fun in the spirit of things to come up with multitude upon multitude ways to kill him off again and again, so submit your ideas and I’ll include them in my next update…

Others have suggested to include JW’s fans in the story… I’ll try as best as I can to put them or yourself or anything else you’d like to see happen in this parody… after all… it’s all in fun…

Until then, I’ll keep my story going and going and going and going…. like pi…

NEXT UPDATE SOON...

BOO....HOO....

DLR

 

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Date Posted: 1/11/05 11:41am Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
LOL!

Good stuff! happy

 

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Now in the 'Before The Saga' Fan Fiction Forum:
'The Sith Wars: Book One: Invasion of the Mandalores'
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Date Posted: 1/11/05 11:58am Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)

JW! You don't have time to be doing other things! You should be spending every waking hour on the fan novel! What are you thinking?!?!?! The nerve of some people!!!1!!oneone!!11

Sly

 

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It takes no time to fall in love...but it takes you years to know what love is.
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Date Posted: 1/11/05 12:02pm Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
Oh man! this story is so funny, it really made me laugh.

Jar Jar Assassination Idea: Make Padme order a Hatori Hanso Sword, take one of his eyes from his face and kill him with the Five Points Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Cheers!

 
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Date Posted: 1/11/05 12:39pm Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
ROFLMAO.

 

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Golden Compass- Dec. 7th
"Is that what happens to us? A lifetime of conflict with no time for friends, so that when it's done, only are enemies send roses?"- Rorschach (Watchmen)
30 Rock ~ NBC Thursdays at 8:30
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Date Posted: 1/11/05 3:00pm Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
LMAO!!! This is some funny stuff. One suggestion though. You need to make sure you include the JTC because as we all know...JTC ROCKS!!!!!!!!

 

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**Proud member of the JTC**
**If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let ‘em go, because, man, they're gone.**
**I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.**
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Date Posted: 1/11/05 3:30pm Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
LOL!! laugh laugh





HRH Prince_Revan has spoken.

 

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ADONAI Shall Return Again ! hugs
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Date Posted: 1/11/05 8:48pm Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
Yup, go up to the top...

I AM THE JAR JAR KILLER!


I also was the first to post after DarkLord, so I deserve to be in this novel...


Great so far...

 
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Date Posted: 1/12/05 7:54am Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
You know what you've done Dark Lord Rising?!! You've made me snort out my drink, and my monitor is wet!!

 
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Date Posted: 1/12/05 9:34am Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
CHAPTER 4

RULERS OFTEN TERRIFY SUBJECTS

Dooku stood over Chancellor Palpatine salivating at this moment. Thoughts of satisfaction and triumph raced through his head. He had been thinking of this moment forever and now it was there right in front of him. This was his one and only chance to kill the chancellor and throw the republic into a state of panic.

“Boo hoo”, the Count taunted, “Do you have any last words before I make mince meat out of you?”

Palpatine rose to his feet with a heart-wrenching look on his face and then he cackled, heckled, and spat on the Count. “I’m afraid that it’s too late for you now my friend… look behind you…”

As the Count looked behind him there was Anakin Skywalker looking like laser beams at him. The Count turned around and prepared to face off with Anakin once again.

“Boo hoo”, the Count cried, “I take care of this puny one first, then I’ll finish you off Chancellor.”

“We’ll see about that,” Anakin grimaced, “I’m more than ready for you this time.”

“Good… goooooood…” the Chancellor said tauntingly as Anakin and Dooku prepared to square off once again.

Dooku sent force lighting at Anakin with a fieriness that would make any other Jedi extinct, but Anakin merely rolled his eyes and the force lightning went around him and struck the walls behind him. Dooku had met his maker and Anakin knew that it was now time to get rid of him. Anakin unleashed a slew of apple pies with whip cream and cherries on top and force-fed it down the Count’s mouth. The Count began to choke and gag on the multiple pies that he was constantly being force shoved down his throat and dropped to the floor to vomit profusely. Out of his mouth came all of the pies plus the disemboweled remains of Jar Jar Binks.

“Boo hoo,” the Count said chokingly, “you’ll pay for making me look like such a baby. I’m going to tell General Grievous on you.”

“Go right ahead,” said Anakin vicariously, “that would be a really neat trick considering you’ll be dead in a few minutes.”

“Boo hoo”, the Count cried, “I’m going to make you pay for this nonsense.”

The Count got up off of the floor and raised his lightsaber and pounced on Anakin more fiercely than ever. Anakin again rolled his eyes and caused the Count to miss again and again. Then Anakin opened a door to a big oven and force pushed Dooku into it and shut the door and set it to 450 degrees for 15 minutes.

“That should take care of him,” Anakin announced, “he’ll be cookie dough before you know it.”

Anakin then rushed over to the Chancellor and greeted him heartily. “I’m glad that you are safe Chancellor. Now the Republic’s pulse is restored to life with you back and safe.”

“Yes, thank you very much,” the Chancellor said, “I will have a surprise for you on Coruscant when we return to repay you for your efforts.”

“I look forward to that Chancellor,” Anakin said, “Now let me go to the bridge control room so that I can stop this ship from crashing into the planets surface, but first let me fix up Jar Jar to his former slobbering self.”

Using the force within him Anakin melded the vomited remains of Jar Jar and the apple pies with whip cream and cherries on top together again. Jar Jar had been brought back to life, a rather odd looking one, but at least his was back to his old self.

“Meesa thanks yousa sosa muchsa Ani,” Jar Jar slobbered as whip cream and a cherry rolled down his cheeks. “Meesa muchsa gladsa I’msa backsa tosa lifesa.”

“No problem Jar Jar,” Anakin said, “just be more careful next time, that practically took the most force I’ve ever used in my life to bring you back to life, so enjoy it while you can.”

Anakin left the Chancellor and Jar Jar to go to the Bridge Control Room. He raced there as quickly as possible and then studied the displays on the video screens and sat down and quickly grabbed the two joysticks in front of him. He moved them continuously in circular directions, the one on the left he moved clockwise and the one on the right he moved counter clockwise until finally the ship righted itself and glided to a near perfect touch landing on top of an old smoky mountain. It then slid down the mountains slope and came to an abrupt stop close to a deep chasm. Anakin had saved the ship and the Chancellor. Now it was time for him to find Obi-Wan and then escape the Separatist ship once and for all.

Using the force within himself Anakin concentrated on Obi-Wan’s thoughts and that led him to the ship’s garbage compactor. Using his comlink he contacted Artoo for assistance in getting the door open.

“Artoo, I’m going to need you to open Garbage Compactor Number 7.5, Obi-Wan is in there and I’m not sure what is behind the door,” Anakin said to R2-D2 over the comlink.

“Beep, Burp, Fart”, Artoo said over the intercom as the emissions finally caused the door to the compactor to open.

“Thanks Artoo,” said Anakin, “I’ll let you know if I need your assistance for anything else.”

Anakin stepped inside the compactor slowly and searched for Obi-Wan. He found him unconscious again resting on some shredded cheese on top of a large taco shell. As he stepped inside of the shell to get Obi-Wan it suddenly began closing in on him. He quickly gathered up Obi-Wan and narrowly escaped the closing jaws of the taco shell as it slammed shut behind him. This would make time number 247,892 that he had rescued Obi-Wan from near death, not that he was counting.

He proceeded to the hangar bay where his starfighter was and loaded up Obi-Wan and then he had Artoo power up the ship as he left to go back to the Jedi Temple.

Chancellor Palpatine looked at the slobbering Jar Jar and said, “Jar Jar, why don’t you check on Count Dooku and see if he’s nice and crispy yet.”

“Suresa, Chancellorsa,” Jar Jar drooled as he went to the oven to check on Dooku. But just as he was looking inside the door popped open in front of him and he was pushed in.

“Whatsa meaningsa ofsa thisa,” Jar Jar slobbered.

“It’s your doom,” the Chancellor cackled and laughed as he bolted the door shut and then went to his escape shuttle chuckling down the hallway. “Good….goooood…”

The Chancellor boarded his escape shuttle and proceeded to his office.

General Grievous finally made his way to the secret hangar bay area where one ship remained. He boarded the mechanical looking ship and left the doomed Separatist ship. He had set the self-destruct mechanism to blow up the remains of the ship in five minutes after he had left. He saw a huge explosion as he piloted his ship out of Coruscant’s atmosphere to go to another Separatist planet.

Another update coming soon....

BOO... HOO....

DLR

 

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Date Posted: 1/12/05 12:05pm Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
Tee Hee Hee!

I like this. Too funny!

 

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"Great Spirit, Maker of All Life. A warrior goes to you swift and straight as an arrow shot into the sun. Welcome him and let him take his place at the council fire of my people. Tell them to be patient and ask death for speed." - Chingachgook
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SDO
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Date Posted: 1/12/05 3:20pm Subject: RE: Star Wars Episode III: ROTS (Parody of JW-Titus Episode III Fan Novel)
Oh, I get it! Cookie Dough, Count Dooku... it's like the same!


wait...

 
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